Sunday, August 25, 2013

Seriously Latvia?

Warning: This is not a real blog post.

I was just sitting here bored and... wait, scratch that. I'm not bored. I'm never bored. As I tell my students, who are 12 and thus perpetually "bored," despite not having the vaguest notion of what true, bored-at-the-idea-of-even-being-for-another-second bored, bored because they haven't had, in the words of Louis CK, "colors and anger" flashed in their face in the last 12 seconds, I tell them, "Only boring people are ever bored." Which hopefully makes groaning, "I'm boooooaaarrrd..."a little less cool. 

So I guess I said, "I was sitting here bored and..." because that's some kind of way of justifying that I was looking at the stats on this blog, I guess because I didn't want to appear...what, narcissistic? Yeah, right. I think that ship sailed a looong time ago.

Anyway. I was looking at the stats on this blog because I wanted to stroke my own ego. I guess that's why someone would do that... But some of the things that I saw were really interesting. To me anyway. Here's the breakdown of the pageviews for this blog, all time, by country:

United States- 6,682
Russia- 489
Nepal- 434
Latvia- 390
Germany- 346
United Kingdom- 200
Australia- 145
Canada- 128
Ukraine- 70

Obviously, no surprise to see the US at number one. Russia at 2 means, largely, that Fromzy is doing is job, as Nepal at 3 means Brian is doing his, (despite me being a poorass follower of either of their blogs lately, though Brian's in now defunct.)

But Lativa, number 4? Really? Hello Latvia! Thank you very much, whoever you are! 

390 views from Latvia means that someone there is actually reading this. 3 views from Latvia, or even 39, would just be clicking the wrong link on Google. But 390 is some serious business. I also have one friend in Australia, but she is only putting up 145 views, to give you an idea. And that's not all her, according to the map. (I don't blame her for not being up there, since I did spend a fair number of words making fun of her religion's dietary laws- I'm honestly a little surprised she still reads it at all.) 

But Latvia, seriously? Nice work. I really thought that 99% of the views came from the 14 people I know on Facebook that read it, and that maybe their cat kept stepping on their mouse, causing the page to refresh and the tracker to kick up another page view. The other 1% I assumed were just lost on the internet.

So anyway. Go Latvia! 

Germany, nice work, really, but this is the country that produced Copernicus, Kepler, Leibniz, Gutenberg, Neitzche, Goethe, Born, Heisenberg, Plank, Einstein and Ludwig Van... and you're behind smelly little Latvia? Really? C'mon. (Don't tell Latvia I said that, btw. I just spent a lot of time pumping them up. You know how they are. A little insecure. It's not easy being a tiny European, what, principality? That most people couldn't locate on a map. Of Latvia.)

United Kingdom! You still owe me like thirty bucks from that time I was in London and saw Layer Cake with Daniel Craig and two tickets was 20 pounds, which at the time was, I believe, $39 US. Screw you for that. It's a movie, London. Not live theater. Loved the bangers and mashed though, keep it up. And being called "hun" by cute waitresses with a British accent. That works too. Go with that.

Whose next? Australia? Dealt with her... Canada! Canada, I think you know how I feel about you. But no, it's not all bad. Round bacon is good. And maple syrup. And... flannel? Seriously though, we could have much worse neighbors. Like...

France. Again, France, it's not that I don't like you. Paris is probably the most beautiful, extended man-made spectacle I have ever seen. I get it. You're proud of it and you should be. It's just that you're so... France. Hey, do you remember that time back in like '97 when we were all playing Diablo, and Brian and I used to come into your chatrooms and troll you about World War II and you'd fire back by calling us fat, stupid Americans who eat hamburgers all day? Remember that? Well, up yours. Hamburgers still rule. (And by the way, thanks for being kind enough to switch over to English back then so we could taunt each other freely. Yeah, I only speak one language. Yeah, it's a fat, stupid American thing.)

And last, and definitely least, Ukraine. Ukraine, go back to having the hottest head-of-state in the world and I'll give a crap about you again. No Yulia, no likey.

Who's winning now, by the way? Does anyone know? Are there any hot heads-of-state these days? I kinda had a thing for that Aussie lady, but it was mostly just because she was awesome. Though, I don't know. If you do a Google image search for Julia Gillard (and when it suggests Julia Gillard hot, click on that), she's got something going on. For a head-of-state, anyway. But Julia with a J is just no match for Yulia with a Y. (That seems to be a general rule of thumb anyway, I've found. As I'm sure Fromzy would agree. And Wootsy.)

So yeah. That's whose out there. Kinda weird to think about. I mean, Latvia? Really?

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